Day 5

Note: This post is relating the happenings of yesterday. I took the freedom of delaying the uploading of this post, because I wanted to take time to review it. I confess having written it in a state of slight-lightheadedness, and I did not want this to impede anything I wrote.

Friday, May 23rd, 2014

Possibly, people have been expecting a post similar to mine today from me at some point in time. If such were the case, then you would be satisfied to hear about me relate the occurrences of today. I have gone through the wildest and most uncontrollable day yet so far today. I think I have been assaulted by each and all of the students, who displayed different and new whims. Maybe it was the weather, the terrible stormy weather, that stormed their impulses and aggressiveness. Maybe it was the windy night yesterday, which might have bothered their sleep and turned them more anxious, grumpier and less willing to work. Whatever the reason, it caused me much trouble and nervousness as well. It is not as if I am badly injured. Some hurt more than others, but none are Superman. No, what I was the most worried about and scared of was my own reaction. At any potential danger or attack, my first and immediate impulse is to push the source of discomfort or fear away. I feared my reflexive reaction might hurt the children, though unintentionally, or, even worse, destroy any bit of trust I might have fostered in them in my regard.

It began with Fe. As soon as he arrived at the institution, he went to the television and began rocking back and forth on his feet, expecting somebody to turn on “Barney” for him. Ana and I were working with Mu, and we therefore ignored Fe’s demand, asking him to take a seat on the mini sofa and wait patiently for his turn. Fe did not listen to us and persevered in his stand in front of the sofa, as he often does. When he started growing more restless and louder, Ana and I agreed by a mute glance at each other that I would quiet him down and accompany him to the sofa, where we would play with a toy. I walked towards Fe, and extended my hand to him. “Veni, Fe. Nos sentamos y jugamos. Te parece?” As he usually does, Fe objected; he walked with me towards the sofa, thinking I was asking him to sit down to watch the television (we try to teach the children to sit down to watch the television – the polite and “proper” way), and when he realized such was not my motive he would walk back to the television or snatch a random pictogram to communicate his yearn for television time. I should have foretold from Fe’s unusual perseverance that something was coming, but I didn’t. Five minutes later, after numerous backs-and-forths, Fe lost his control and grabbed at two strands of my hair, and pulled with all his might and strength. I was so taken by surprise! I don’t know how I managed to not push him back immediately, grabbed at the hands that were attacking me! Maybe it was indeed the surprise that stopped any action or word to cross my mind. What did I do, then? I stood up, and my height forced Fe to let go of his grip. Was it me, or did a look of surprise momentarily pass Fe’s face? Anyway, it took me a second to recover and saying firmly, “Fe, no. No se hace eso a la gente. Vuelva a tu asiento, inmediatamente. Ya.” Fe returned to his seat effectively, and stayed quiet. But the peace was too short. A few minutes later, he picked up from where he left off, and even began going to Ana, who is the softest of the teachers (apart from me, possibly). He began hitting Ana, who was busy with keeping Mu sitting (he was continuing to slide off the stool) and working. In the attempt to help her from Fe’s increasing hits, I left Mu’s side and kneeled down in front of Fe. Fe stared at the space behind me before he turned his TV-wrath on me. I tried to ignore him, I really did, because any action that transpierces me might reinforce his behavior, act as a sign of his triumph, might impede and blur my future relationship with him. Ana tried to stop him as well, but a foot of Mu’s stool landed on hers and caused a pain that did not release her even as I left the center at the end of the day. In the end, after much twisting away and ignoring, Fe backed down and resumed sitting on the sofa with a blank stare outside the sliding window. As I calmed myself and recovered my slowed pulse and breath, I tried to control my emotions, to not lose my temper on Mu, who was even less attentive to directions than usual. I don’t know how I managed to pass through the morning with my tolerance at such a tense state.

I would like to say the afternoon passed by without a similar episode, but that would be a lie. Many other students acted in a violent and whiny way. Most notable was Si. Si slid even more drastically from manic to calm state. He would be happily holding my hand happily while bouncing on the therapeutic ball one moment; then, suddenly, a shadow would submerge his face and he would enter a stormy mood in which he would shout and roll and kick. Whereas his blows landed on the floor most of the time, some today reached my arms, chest and face; my nose still hurts from the headbutt I received, and my left cheek is sensible even to a light touch. Si, who can turn into an adorable angel, became a devil in his moments of wildness. My only comfort is that I did not have to deal with Fr. Josefina and the other therapists take extreme care in not exposing me to Fr when he enters his bursts of uncontrollable temper and aggressive rebellion; I did have a glimpse, however, when he shoved me aside against the wall to storm outside in the garden.

Oh, I cannot end my post on such a negative note, because I did have a pleasant time as well. I would not let my struggles to defend myself overshadow my laughs with the children. Besides, I already forgave all of them. Most repent, and most have their moments of caprices because of one reason or another, whether overdose or lack of medication, or even a sleepless evening. Nevertheless, I’d like to spend some time expanding on nice moments as well, moments that make me chuckle and hopefully bring back a smile on you readers’ lips.

My morning was alleviated somewhat, and aggravated my stress on the other, when Ta arrived. As you might recall, Ta’s arrival worsens Mu’s sluggishness, as he becomes jealous of further sharing the teachers’ attention and care with one more student. But Ta is a sweetheart, especially once he overcomes his shy embarrassment and strangers’ fear. It makes me feel all warm inside when Ta comes to me as well to receive kisses and hugs, because Ta is one of the most reserved and distant of the children. That he includes me as a source of comfort truly warms my heart (no one will ever rival Ana, who is his favourite, but I am the only person he appreciates apart from her and his family). Basically, my struggle with Ta was to ask him to follow directions, because he was too busy walking back and forth from Ana to me, wandering and collecting hugs and kisses under the unhappy eyes of Mu who would roll on the floor discontentedly. What a paradoxical situation, really! Fighting Ta to stop him from asking for love.

           My afternoon was frozen, literally. I’m surprised I did not end up an ice cube. I spent two hours and a half outside. How? The highlight activity of the day was visiting the zoo. Before we went to the zoo, though, students and teachers gathered the leaves fallen from the autumn trees in the terrace. I don’t think I’ve amassed that many leaves in a while! Swipe, stoop down, collect, throw away. And start again! For forty-five minutes. I just had time to escape into the house, rubbing my heads against one another as I leaned close to the electric heater, when I heard Br’s excited “Tadam! Vamos al zoologico!” I cringed as I blamed myself for not bringing a coat; I had the brilliant idea of contending myself with a cotton knit and the sweater the teachers gave me as a welcome present with the logo “2 de abril” (their kind attention touched me so much!). Although the director gave me the option to choose between staying behind and accompanying the expedition, I unhesitatingly chose the latter, knowing the teachers would need all the help they can to control the bunch of children. Thus the director stayed behind with To and Fr while Br, Jo, Si and Mu took a stroll at the zoo.

           It was heartrending to leave To behind, even though it was for a good cause. Why do I say this? The expedition to the zoo was planned for To. Initially a reward, it became a punishment later when he misbehaved. The director had asked my opinion (I know, I feel so special!) on whether I thought the zoo might work as a good reinforcement to encourage To to behave properly, and I had replied “yes.” The original plan was to reward To for his following directions and not throwing anything on the floor. But following his leaks and swiping the pen holder and his work materials on the floor, we had to abstain him from going to his strongly desired zoo. When I saw the tears mounting in his eyes as he watched us leave without him, I had to quickly turn my head away to avoid weakening. Oh! I do hope that next week, To will earn his trip to the zoo! I do hope that he understands he is capable of earning trust and his rewards when he puts in the effort. I have to say his progress gives me hope. Hope that I will be present when he has his first trip to the zoo with the crew of Centro “2 de abril.”

           I’m surprised Ana, Lori and I were not arrested while we were at the zoo. The children were so loud and wild! Well, at the same time, the zookeepers and guards all know we are from the institution, as the children and teachers are among the most frequent and periodic visitors. And we were the only crazy people to venture out of the coziness and warmth of the house to saunter in the zoo. Therefore, there was no one who could file a complaint against us. But here, let me give you a glimpse: Jo stampeded around, flapping his arms and quacking to scare the animals enclosed behind the gates; Si dashed from one cage to another, dancing and screaming at 70 decibels, pouting and fidgeting his lips with his fingers; Mu climbed on top of random benches, lying down in a model pose, deciding to take a nap with his pants falling halfway down his butt; and Br was a walking fanfare, with his theme line “Tadam! Quiero hacer pipi o algo asi,” causing shocked or anxious glances from passersby who hurriedly scurried away from us (who, I admit, were desperately trying to suppress laughing to tears). How would you have felt if you had perceived us in the zoo or street? I won’t judge your reaction, whatever it might have been.

           As you might assess, my day was not all storms and hits. I had a pleasant time, and it made me think even more about the nature of communication and human behavior. It made me ponder even more on my own attitude and actions. I’m still scared, and I do hope I reacted appropriately: not too tough to scare the children and stop them from approaching me again, yet not too soft to breed the space for more and worse episodes of caprices. Well, I did do my best. I cannot be good at everything from the beginning. I just have to work to make myself better, and think on the areas I have to make improvements.